Do you all remember the first time you found out you were pregnant?
I’ll never forget. The first time I found out I was pregnant .. I was over the moon. It was an instant heartwarming, butterflies in my stomach feeling. Everything you could possibly feel within minutes. Right away, I began thinking of how he or she would look like, will it be a girl or a boy? I began to picture life with this baby I was carrying inside of me.
Everyday that week I was sick, every morning … I was in the bathroom. And then something was happening to my body.. something that I thought shouldn’t be happening … I was going through a miscarriage. At that moment I didn’t know – I only found out after a few days and blood work.
The day The doctor confirmed my miscarriage my natural smile, natural light in me quickly turned into this grey overcast. I was confused, I had so many questions… but I couldn’t find ways to ask all of them. I remember nodding to the doctor when asked if I understood what he was saying … I wanted to leave that room so quick. And I did – I left. I remember breaking down in the parking lot with my mom not understanding why this happened or how. But it did, I went through an early miscarriage, a moment and feeling in my life that I will hold onto forever … because it’s situation like that that can really make or break you. I didn’t allow it to break me. I was definitely upset for a few days – I’ll admit that. But with great support of my family and hubby That grey overcast slowly began to clear up.
Hubby and I knew we wanted to start a family, but the doctor didn’t advise to try again so soon. Well a few months later there I was – pregnant again with Sarina. My pregnancy with Sarina came with more ultrasounds then usually, more doctor visits and to being induced at only 37 weeks. (I’ll dedicate a whole blog post to my delivery with Sarina – in a nut shell ; I was induced a Monday and gave birth on a Saturday.. one full week in a hospital! 5 days trying to get this baby out! )
For all my mamas who have experienced a miscarriage, I would love to hear your story. How quickly or how long did it take for your grey overcast to clear up? Is it something you still struggle to get past? Have you, or are you blaming yourself ? For a bit I did, because there was no real answer to why I was misscarring – so I thought it had to be me!
Some say your too painful to remember. I say your too precious to forget